I find myself thinking back to that day as I sit next to mom tonight. I am holding her hand and shedding silent tears as I look at her face; once so lively and full of laughter, now so pale and drawn.
I cannot fully describe to you the extent of her current condition because I do not want you to remember her that way. She can no longer eat or sit up. She must rely on us for every need but cannot even communicate what those are exactly. I lean my head close to her face to hear her words, but they are not even above a whisper and barely formed.
No one should ever have to see their mom die this way. It is indescribable; the desire to give her comfort and yet be unable to. She had tears in her eyes as I struggled to move her and change her underclothes. She does not want me to help her but she is powerless to help herself. As I see to her most personal needs, I feel like a traitor, knowing that she feels humiliated.
This is the reality of caregiving.
Hospice has offered many times to move her into a group home so that someone else would take care of her, giving the family a break. A nurse would hold her head and coax her mouth open for oral medication. A trained aid would help her use a bedpan and wash her up. A night assistant would cover her with a blanket and turn out the lights as she moaned and turned about.
How could I let that happen? May God forgive me if I am not the one to wipe away her tears and hold her hand as she labors for breath. I know that this is hard, but not being there for her would be harder. I thank God for allowing me to be here and for allowing me to serve her in any small way I can.
I cried before my dear friends Bill and Stephanie this past weekend. I was talking about my mom, and how she had always loved me, no matter what I had done wrong, she just loved me so much.
There is nothing that would keep me from her side.
This is so poignant. Just when we think we understand love to the fullest, we add another layer: offering the tender love and care we would give to a child - to the very person who gave it to us. I would think that experiencing this must touch your soul so deeply; in facing this pain with great love for another, imagine how you must appear to our Lord - like a shimmering, shining jewel in the palm of His hand.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and your whole family, Sarah. All my love, Cathleen Booth
It is so heart breaking, my brother-in-law passed from Cancer November a year ago and every strained word you wrote made me remember that time. I remember all the time I spent at your house as a teenager and your mom was always smiles and laughter, and that is how I will always remember her in my heart. I pray her pain is wiped away as soon as possible. I know it is so hard on all of you that love her so much and I hope the peace of Jesus will help you in this time. Warm hugs to you all! -- Ruth (Davison) Mekosh
ReplyDeleteHugs to you Sarah and hugs to your mom.
ReplyDeleteShe was beautiful, radiant. You are beautiful, radiant and shining as a living example of His love and steadfastness. He is ALWAYS beautiful even in the midst of the pain and ugliness as He is ALWAYS love, His ways are ALWAYS better, and He ALWAYS has a better plan and purpose. Thank you, sweet friend, for following His lead.... I can't wait to dance with you and your mama in His presence!
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO, Steph E.
Oh, sweetheart, my heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Remembering the best of times in the worst of times is a special gift, I think. I know how hard it is, and pray for your strength as you struggle to do the unimaginable. The easing of a life is more precious than I think we fully understand, who are left to live without the ones we love. More being done for the love of a person than they ever thought they'd need. I praise God for your courage, strength, and grace right now.Knowing you wouldn't have it any other way, I especially thank Him for your willing, giving, and oh so loving heart. Your family will survive, because you have no choice, and you will be stronger and more bonded than you ever thought you would need to be, and we will be praying for you all. I remember your lovely mom, and always wished I could have gotten to know her better, she has in you a most precious daughter.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Sara,
Cory
I found this blog when looking for a Wanda Eck who wrote a poem that inspired my father to write a song. Based on your mother's age, it was likely a different Wanda Eck, but I wanted to send you my deepest sympathies. We are always too young to lose our mother, every loss leaves a hole that never fills, but mom? Oh, that is a unique and complicated grief.
ReplyDeleteI lost my mother to cancer also and identify with some of that experience of caring for her in her last days. I was 38. I lost my first husband suddenly in 2012. The grief blindsides us at the oddest times. I pray you are finding recovery from grief as you remember your mother and the love and light she shared. May you know God's presence and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.