I find myself thinking back to that day as I sit next to mom tonight. I am holding her hand and shedding silent tears as I look at her face; once so lively and full of laughter, now so pale and drawn.
I cannot fully describe to you the extent of her current condition because I do not want you to remember her that way. She can no longer eat or sit up. She must rely on us for every need but cannot even communicate what those are exactly. I lean my head close to her face to hear her words, but they are not even above a whisper and barely formed.
No one should ever have to see their mom die this way. It is indescribable; the desire to give her comfort and yet be unable to. She had tears in her eyes as I struggled to move her and change her underclothes. She does not want me to help her but she is powerless to help herself. As I see to her most personal needs, I feel like a traitor, knowing that she feels humiliated.
This is the reality of caregiving.
Hospice has offered many times to move her into a group home so that someone else would take care of her, giving the family a break. A nurse would hold her head and coax her mouth open for oral medication. A trained aid would help her use a bedpan and wash her up. A night assistant would cover her with a blanket and turn out the lights as she moaned and turned about.
How could I let that happen? May God forgive me if I am not the one to wipe away her tears and hold her hand as she labors for breath. I know that this is hard, but not being there for her would be harder. I thank God for allowing me to be here and for allowing me to serve her in any small way I can.
I cried before my dear friends Bill and Stephanie this past weekend. I was talking about my mom, and how she had always loved me, no matter what I had done wrong, she just loved me so much.
There is nothing that would keep me from her side.
